iPod Mood Integration

.. So, this whole big thing with iPods and this and that is getting a bit out of hand.. I was a bit of hater, until I started using this iPod I've been holding onto for a friend.. And I must say, The concept of an iPod is quite ingenious. If, only u knew the power you have at your finger tips.. I'd like to refer to it as the "iPod Mood Integration". At the flick of a finger, you can go from a Dirty South, Ghetto Upbeat mood, to a Tears Pouring, Love Sucks, Life Sucks mood, right back to a Nothing Else Matters, God Love's You mood.. The power that lays in your hands, from an iPod, is amazing. The Power of controlling your mood at a flick of a dial..

Fly

.. A fly followed me home today.. It entered my room at approximently 12:35 am..

R.I.P "Fly" 1:00 Am, 4/26/05

Blogs?

So, I pretty much write a blog every nite or so.. And I come back to the site everynight, noticing that a few people, everyday, have read some of my blogs, yet there is never a comment or subscription to any of my blogs.. This makes me question if people actually read my blogs.. And in the mist of this, this also makes me question my motives for even writing these so called "blogs". Do I write so people can read my blogs and understand what's going on in my head, or do I write these blogs so I can read my own blogs and understand what's going on in my own head? Maybe I write so I can make people believe what I want them to believe about me. If that's so, I'm a fucking great actor.
Writing is such a teraputic thing.. Much like writing music..
comment?

A Question of Life and Honor

... I used to believe that life was fair. I believed that if a person lived a good life and was honest and so on, that they would get "good" in return.. Life is wired in it's ways. I've always lived my life along those lines. Treating everyone with respect, and even in the worst of situations, I've always given people more then they deserved.. I've been sick for the last few days, and during the past few days, something interstice to me has happened.. I've done nothing but listen to others.. Because I'm sick, I've had no voice, and therefore I've had no option, but to listen.. But, during this time, I've learned a lot about various people and an overall understanding on the way the people around me think. Whether we are good or bad in our lives, to others, regardless whether people show their respect to you or not, there is a definite respect that people have for people who share the quality of honesty.. I've tried my best to love all my friends. I've tried to mend all the issues I have with various people, and clarify any misunderstandings that may exist with anyone.. I've cried tears and blood to love everyone. In the end, the one thing I've realized, that I'm still fighting to accept, is: Weather I'm a good person or not, weather I love and respect my friends or not, it's my friends who ultimately have the power to respect me. I can give people reasons to love me, reasons to respect me, as I do for them.. But, in the end, it's their choice to do so.. Should I shed these tears of blood for these people, who in the end, wouldn't do the same for me? Should I love the people, who hate me? Should I love my neighbor as I love myself, and Love my enemy the same? God inspired these words in the Bible, and weather I try or not, this is the type of person I am.. But, the pain and tears that comes from loving someone who doesn't love you, is almost unbearable..
.. Father, "Please help me"..

Anger Within

.. After, years and years of all the struggling, pain, being used, deaths, crying, tears, I've come to realize an intresting thing about myself. I'm almost incapable of being angry. People can use me, they can steal from me, they can break my stuff, they can do pretty much anything to me, and rather than being angry, i'm only hurt. Maybe this is a psychological problem, but in any form, it is some sort of problem. In all cases, I always give a person the benifit of the doubt, and when they don't live up to those "expectations" I have for them, rather then forming some form of anger, I just get hurt from the fact that they could be so much more, but arn't. Now in saying all this, notice how I said I'm almost incapable of being angry. For a while I thought I was incapable of being angry, but after thinking about this problem for years, I realized what could throw me over the edge. Hurting someone I love and one of the more common things, lying. If anyone ever killed someone I loved, they'd suffer a horrible death. And maybe these people wouldn't go as far as hurting someone I love, but rather, they'd start some simple drama, their lives wouldn't be at risk, but rather, I'd make their lives very complicated. Lying, is the other one. When will people learn, that lying is just another form of running away. In the end, it only makes things more complicated. People get hurt, people loss trust, people loss faith in that person. Lying dosn't hurt anyone, but yourself and your image. I would except almost anything a person would have to tell me if told to me directly, but if you lie to me, that pretty much cuts off any form of respect or relationship i'd ever have with a person. Lying pretty much throws me off the edge. It's pointless and agervating.... Although I must point out, a person once convinced me that lieing is sometimes essential for the greater good, when used in conjuction with the truth and the time at which it must be said. The only issue with that is, it's a risk. If thus lie is found out or even suspected before the truth is presented, the consequence would most certainly outweigh the good it was intended to bring...

... I strive to resolve this anger problem I have in time. I must learn to be angry, and not only feel it.. But deal with it.. Other wise it's just a ticking time bomb, waiting to go off in my head..

The Shattered View

.. As I was driving home tonite, I was in deep meditation. As my mind was focusing on the world outside, I realized that my perception of the world, on this perticular nite, was different then most nites. I began to wonder, what excatly it was that made this nite different than any other nite. There was the random need to rush to the ER tonite because of a certain issue, but that wasn't it. Was it the fact that I had contacted the wrong person and in that error, an oppertunity for that person to prove me wrong, and in the end there was no answer, a missed oppertunity on that persons part... So, what exactly was it that made the world appear so vivid, yet distorted in its view? I realized, that during this week, I had cracked my windshield, and it was cracked all over.. My view of the world, was from this confortable seat from within my car, which had a distorted, yet clear view of the world outside.. I had to question to myself, what I could learn from this observation? After much thinking, I realized how powerful this small observation I made could have on my life when compared with life. We are "souls", within a body, a car of some sort, in which we drive, live, play, die in this life. The understanding we have of this world is greatly influenced by the view of the world we have from inside our car, our body, of the outside, the world. If a persons mind is "cracked", for lack of a better way to say it, from something from the past, from some pain, from something scaring, from anything that pyschologically has changed you... Then could it be that your perception of the world is a shattered view of the real outside? But then, what if we were free'd from our bodies. Then would this perception be the same, uniform for all? Is a shattered view of the world the factor that makes us different? And if we all posses some form of a shattered view, what excatly is the clear view of the world? Should we fix our shattered view of the world, or is this something to value and embrace, like abstract art?

The Hidden Meaning

....There is a certain phenomina that has been happening to me for approximently the last year. And I mind you, I'm not a superstitious person by any means. I had to ask a friend about it, and he too, was having the same problem. The problem is repetitive numbers. I often wake to a clock that says 4:44, or i'll see my milage on my car at 1,111.1 miles. The other day, while I was biking, I almost lost it, and I noticed that the milage on the bike was at 999 miles. What does this mean? Is there something more to repetitive numbers? Is there really a hidden meaning in all this, or is this just something pyschological?

A Letter to C

I was once told that life is the mere inspiration that is lived on the root motivation of something. Weather we find that motivation, through God or such, is the essence of our journey through life. I've dedicated this letter to you, C. I've gone year to year, in search of the inspiration and companionship that I long for, yet through the fog and mist of it all, you've always been there for me. You give me the inspiration, motivation, confidence, and energy I need to conquer anything and everything. It's hard to comprehend all the places you've been to, just to be by my side. You've traveled from Cuba, Columbia, Miami, Toronto, New York, and so many other places. I wish through it all, I could have been there for you, traveling from place to place. Maybe then, I would be able to grasp the essence of your being. You give me so much, but in return you take so much from me in countless ways. I can't take the countless days that last from Friday till Sunday, as if sleep is of no relevance. I am only human, and I do require sleep too. I can't stand how after every night we go out and the next day comes, you take a bat to me and beat me time after time. I can't take the countless bloody noses you've given me, I can't stand the money I need just to find you, I can't stand the people you've killed just to be with me, I can't stand how many cigarettes you make me smoke, I can't live with the guilt I have when I'm with you I just can't take you anymore, because of what you require in return. I love life with you, but you're ruining my life in return. I need to sleep every night, I need to study for school every day, I need to keep up with my family, I need to keep my life focused and on track, I just don't have the time you require from me to be with you. We've had great times together, and you've always been there for me, but I'm not sure how much longer this can last. I'm not saying I'm leaving you, but I'm not saying I will always be around for you. In the essence of all that we have, there is one thing I can say that I am passionate and sure that I can say to you without hesitation, "I can't live with you, but I cant live without you."